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bubblynng08's Blog


Vivid Other Present Reality better or worse?

I just woke up about 10 minutes ago and I had a very vivid dream. It seemed so real...but obviously it wasn't real because that reality isn't the reality I'm in now. 




The dream...I was 18. But I'm normal, (or in my sense of the word normal have all the other medical problems I have except for cancer). I was living with my family and going to college, time seemed to go faster than normal in the dream before I knew it I was already going to a different college because the one I had been going to didn't work for me. This second one sort of worked I was aiming for a degree not just a certificate but that's what I got a certificate. Then a year and half past...I was now 23 and still with no luck at getting a job...it seemed I didn't want just some regular old job making either less or minimum wage which is $6.37 an hour here that's why I had gone to college for that purpose to not get a regular job to get a better job, a career. But until about a year and a half after finishing college I had finally gotten a job. But it didn't turn out the way I (the dream me) thought it would. It was only 2 others working with me. I was constantly being told that I was only hired because no one else wanted the job. That didn't bother me I just wanted experience so a year later I could go somewhere else. I didn't last a year though. I was quickly taken advantage of. I was made to do the work that the other 2 didn't want to do while they watch videos on the Internet or talked all day long on the office phones to their lovers, (I say lovers because I have no idea whether they were married or not), and left when they felt like it while I was left for an extra half to an hour long without being paid for it. I cried everyday going there and leaving because I was told I was the reason they were losing money and that they would send me to prison for it (what they called it I can't remember now). Funny though I cried openly everytime I came home my mother seemed concerned and even told me to quit the job since it was going to just make me mentally sick, (I say it's funny since before that time I had once told her about 3 years before that I wanted to end my life and all she did was say Ok and? But she's concerned about me and this job). 2 weeks pass and I couldn't take it anymore seeing the others do whatever they wanted during "working hours" arriving 2 sometimes 3 hours late for work, and then leaving at the most half an hour earlier than "closing time" while I arrived 15 minutes before "opening" and had to stay 30 minutes to an hour after "closing time" doing their work and being told all that (what I said above I don't feel like writing it again) everyday finally cracked me then. I just got up and left. I didn't even officially quit. They didn't even look for me or were at all concern about where I was. 



2 more weeks pass and I get another job which it seems is a 12 hour shift everyday job. This one seems good at first everything's going great for about a month. But then  suddenly I'm told I'm doing everything wrong. I'm coming in too early (10 minutes apparently too early?) I'm leaving too early (5 minutes after the 12 hours is up is early?) That I'm taking too long a lunch break which is apparently 30 minutes and I eat my incredibly hot food and burn my mouth and tongue eating it in 15 minutes while everyone else takes 45 minutes to an hour lunch. That I shouldn't sit everyone else in the front when there's nothing to do yet everyone is sitting in the front for 4 hours with things to do and I'm the one doing them. That I wasn't charging more to the people than was necessary it got to the point where I was being put to meetings every 12 hours for everything being wrong. I would lock myself in the bathroom for a good hour and no one noticed. I lasted another month with all that then the panic attacks started and I missed 3 of my days to work because of them and suddenly I was no longer being sent to work basically fired but they didn't want to deal with all the paperwork. I last 6 months. I was now 24...but with nothing to do. I fell down the deep hole of depression and again felt like ending my life and again my mother just said Ok so what? My sister laughed one of those laughs you give when you something so hysterical you have tears in your eyes over how funny it is and my father ignore it. I was then deemed a lazy ass girl who doesn't want to do anything but be financially supported by her parents for the rest of their lives and me not do a thing. After about a month of the deep depression (I was thinking I wasn't good for anything would I ever find a job and keep it or had I just wasted my parents money for nothing and no matter what I did I was nothing I wouldn't be able to a job).  I decided to study something again (I don't know what that something ended up being because I woke up then. 



Is this what my present reality would've been like had I not gotten cancer? Is it better than my current situation or not? This dream seemed so real to me that I couldn't remember where I woke at or what I was doing here.  It was so real that I honestly thought that was my reality. 
 

I'm dying

I'm dying...I have to face that fact now...with no working liver and kidneys shutting down...living with cancer and all...I don't have much time left...I have to face this fact...even if I don't want too...I'm going to have to...6 months is just a number...miracles happen everyday...I should know I am a living miracle...the miracle that I am currently waiting for better come quick...cause I really don't know how much longer I can take watching myself puke blood all day...and feeling like crap...

Sleepless ranting

This isn't really a rant, more like a way to try and get myself to sleep. I feel like I've become nocturnal, I've become used to sleeping all day and wake up late in the afternoon and when everyone else is asleep I'm the one that's awake. That's how it is though, I've been an insomniac since I was 12 I used to only sleep literally for 5 minutes that was up until I got cancer though. Now it's more like 6-10 hours on good days and 2-5 hours on bad ones, and this just happens to be a bad one.

So I got pneumonia and bronchitis about 2 weeks ago, I don't really know how long they lasted since I was pretty much delirious during that whole time. All I really know is that I had a fever of 108.6 for like 2 days, and it stay at 100.8 for the rest week. I still have a horrible cough, funnily enough though I can't hear it, that's probably why I can't breathe on my own anymore, (or at least for the time being), got to get rid of all this infection in me.

I've been in here for 4 months. Late winter all the way to summer crazy how time flies, I hate that expression "time flies when you're having fun", time flies when you're stuck in one place too, though of course it doesn't seem like it, heck I just realized it right now. Life's boring here for me, all I do is sleep, read, and get on here...besides the being sick part too of course. Makes me a little sad and jealous too hearing people talk about going to work...on vacation...doing something other than laying in bed all day like I do.

I've got fuzz on my head now, since chemo and radiation didn't work for me, my hair's growing back feels funny...I kind of got used to not having hair. People keep asking me to put a new profile pic of me they want to know what I look like now. But I've got my reasons as too leaving my profile pic the way it is. If you want to know what I look like now, just read my story I Saw Myself In The Mirror Today that gives you a pretty accurate description of me right now, besides the fact that I don't want to scare anyone with the way I look...it's not a pretty sight...mind you I avoid looking in the mirror now.

I'm taking the holistic approach to get rid of this cancer now. I seriously thought I'd feel better by taking all this healthy stuff...not worse! But according to the doctor my body has to adjust from being put off of chemo and radiation and on to this treatment. Hopefully in about a week I should feel better...I sure do hope so...cause this right now isn't really working for me.

1 down and 9 to go

Wow I haven' t written on this thing in a long time lol. Well I'm really FREAKING HAPPY today, I've had way too many downs then ups but today's an up and I hope they can all be ups from now. A lot's changed since I've last written. I got a bestie named basey,I am now in a new clinic, no longer in a homeless shelter, and not puking up so much blood as I used to. I have been in here for a month, though sometimes it feels like it's been forever. So for now I have 10 tumors in my body, but the really good news and the reason why I'm so freaking happy today, is that the tumor that is on my vocal cords has finally shrunken, which means that this stinking chemo is finally working Oh thank God. I had a surgery on this said tumor about 2-3 weeks ago, but since it was so big they could only take out half of it, but now it's all coming out on Tuesday, and I'll finally be able to talk again...at least there's a possibly for it, and I'm hoping and praying that I will. So there's 1 down and 9 to go, I've got to get a new liver and a bone marrow transplant, and hopefully soon all this will be behind me,,,according to these people within 4 years, I'm hoping a lot sooner than that I'lll have gone crazy by then if I have to be here that long. Mind you I already am crazy lol.  

Thoughts in my head

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Here I am...

Today my sister is getting married. I was supposed to be her maid of honor it was supposed to be a big family event...correction...it is a big family event...just without me in it...here I am in a wheelchair, deaf, and full of cancer...wondering how the wedding is going...if any of my family members miss me...or if they even notice that I'm not there with them...in my country a wedding is celebrated for 3 days and everyone knows about it even complete strangers celebrate and congratulate with you.

Strangers are at my sister's wedding...but not me...they're celebrating...and here I am in misery...don't get me wrong I'm happy for my sister I really am...I just wish I could've been there with her...in happy bliss all glowing and seeing her all in white...but here I am seeing red deep almost black red in my hands dripping from my nose and coming from my mouth...I should be dancing the night away...yet here I am with no feeling in my legs...and no sound coming into my ears...

My sister got married today right now she is celebrating and it's the happiest day of her life...and here I am not part of it...my sister has a bright new future ahead of her as of today nothing but happy thoughts in her mind...yes I glad for my sister...yet here I am with death looming ever closer to me with every drip of blood that I see coming out of me...

Starting to see no point to this

It feels like its been an eternity going around and around this merry go round, and no it doesn't stop. I guess my depression, lack of being able to hear, talk or walk is getting to me more than I thought it would. More than I wanted it to actually. I'm starting to see no point to this anymore. I mean I've never known what the point of life is I've just been existing through it. The situation that I'm in only seems to be getting worse never even the slightlest bit better.

I'm stuck and every direction I go to leads me to a dead end, with no light at the end of this tunnel with nothing just more misery. Trying to look at the bright side isn't working for me since there never seems to be a bright side to this. Praying and asking for help hasn't really helped me out either. I don't know what to do anymore I'm at a loss and it doesn't matter since its not like someone's going to come and rescue me anyway.

Do you see any point to this? Going places that lead nowhere, always being in misery and much more pain now than I was before? Maybe there really isn't any point to this and I should just stop I'm tired anyway I'm really so very tired...

Confusion

I don't know what to feel, or if I should feel anything at all. I should be happy that I can see the sun now after the 3 almost 4 months of not seeing it, but I'm not, not by the reason of which I can now see it. Here I sit confused, as to what I should do. Having very little resources come down to none, options come down to the last one I have and clinging to it, praying that this will work, hoping that it will, that this last option will save me. All I have to do is wait, "be patient and everything will happen as it is supposed to", someone once told me that, trtying to remember who makes my already sick head hurt worse. I've never been good at waiting patience has never been my greatest strength. In fact, it's my greatest weakness, I hate waiting, I hate being patient, of having to sit and wait for something to happen, because you can't get up and do it yourself, since you have no authority or ablity too. My impatience has grown since waiting is all I have left, and when this happens it'll change my life forever, whether it be for good or bad it just depends.
When it does happen, I don't what to feel after either. Maybe happy for if it's good, but what about if it isn't? Should I be mad, upset, have my anxiety get worse and end up having more panic attacks than I ever remember having? Or have my depression get worse, my suicidal thoughts that for now I have supressed, rule over my brain again and maybe even have them win...What should I do when everything is gone from me, when I have no more options, when loneliness who has been my friend for so long is all I have left?
I realize that I probably don't make sense to whoever reads this, but I just had to vent this out before this feeling of confusion becomes insanity...

Monday and Tuesday were crazy

Today is technically Thursday I haven't been here since Monday boy days fly by so fast. I'm not allowed to say what happened on Monday, but I am allowed to express my feelings so that's what I'm going to do. I'm still deaf and still can't walk so that hasn't changed. Though I would've liked to hear on Monday I probably wouldn't have had that bad of a panic attack if I'd heard it coming. But now that I think about it hearing it wouldn't have helped me since I can't walk anyway. Though by reading the nurse's message it's better that I didn't hear it I would have been in far worse condition if I had or so she thinks. I threw up several times during my panic attack,  I end up with my left shoulder out of its socket, which of course was popped back into place, almost 2 broken ribs on that side too, along with several gashes that needed stitching up. I was taken to a new room still in isolation of course it's exactly the same as the old one it's like I never left it. 

I have nightmares when I sleep which is a rarity to begin with seeing as I'm a severe insomniac (hence why I'm on here so early or late whichever you consider it). I'm only asleep if I'm put asleep, and so I was put to sleep that night on Monday and that's when the new nightmare began, (funny in my dreams I can walk talk and hear). I can't get the image out of my head I've grown paranoid from it every little thing scares me now more than when I first became deaf. 

Tuesday was supposed to a normal day though of course it was, the doctor and nurses made it seem as if nothing had happened. I wish I was like that able to make it seem like what happened the day before had no affect on me and I could easily act as though it never happened. Though of course I'm not like that at all. It surprised me that they acted that way. At first I was a little mad it seemed like they didn't even care, but then I realized that they were acting this way to try and calm me seeing as it was brain tumor taking out surgery day. 

Speaking of that 2 hours later they did take out the tumor they intended on taking out out but, (as is my case in luck) they found another one right at the end of my brain stem and at the top of my spinal cord, course they couldn't take that one out since it was too big. I found this out when I woke up a couple of minutes later with a long note of explanation as to what had happened in my hands. I've grown used to this happening so I wasn't upset just tired, and wondering how many more times it was going to happen again. 

Wednesday was a rest day and now here I am again just trying to fight this out.

Worries

I've only been here for almost 3 months, but it feels like its been longer. Since then I have lost my ability to walk and hear. The sensation of not being able to feel anything below my waist was new to me. Believe me I freaked out when I couldn't wiggle my toes much more so when I couldn't move my legs. They had to knock me out for 2 days when that happened. It's been about a month since I've been paralyzed, and no I'm not getting used to this nor do I plan too. Now please don't think that I'm being negative about this,  I don't want to get used to this because I don't want to be paralyzed for the rest of my life. Hopefully one day I will be able to walk again, the tumors that were causing this are out already, so I don't know why I'm still like this. 

Now being deaf isn't a new thing to me. It's a really old feeling though that I've kind of forgotten that feeling. The last time I was deaf though was when I was 9. That's 13 years ago. I wasn't completely deaf I had 20% of my hearing in my left ear but that was it. So it was basically like trying to hear someone talking to you while you're in the shower and the water's on. You can kind of hear them but not really. Funny thing is I learned how to read lips but not sign language though I did learn another language English! I eventually got 100% of my hearing, and at first it was really weird. It was like someone turned up the volume on a tv expect it was my ears instead. Going back to being deaf and this time completely deaf is a scary thing. My ears are still healing from the surgery I had almost 3 weeks ago, so maybe when they're fully healed I'll be able to hear again, at least I'm hoping that'll be the case. 

Being paralyzed and deaf should be the least of my worries right? I've still got cancer not as many tumors as I had the last time I wrote a blog. Some of them have actually shrunken and they've taken them out  which is a good thing. Hopefully they won't come back this time though. I'm realizing that I'm putting much store on hope more than I have in my entire life, hope hasn't really doesn't much for me though so that's why it may seem like I'm just a hopeless person. 

I've grown accustomed to getting or having diseases that are supposed to happen within 44 years from now or those that are genetic, but being the only one in my entire family that has ever gotten them. As well as ones that some people have never even heard of. So, yes I was still surprised,  and a little mad that I got what I believe that in English it's called the shingles. Yes anyone who's ever had the chickenpox can get them. But of course it's more common to get it when your above the age of 55. The people that get it the most though are those in their late 60's early 70's. 

The doctors here were baffled and confused as to why I got it seeing as I'm so young. based on experience and one day of being angry I've figured I shouldn't be mad it isn't going to do anything like get rid of this anyway. Now for those of you that know what chemo makes us feel like then just imagine this being 20x worse! For those who don't know what chemo makes you feel like this makes you feel like you're going to die. 

Besides the nausea and the intense vomiting along with the violent shaking, this gives you the feeling like you're going to fall off the edge of the earth from how dizzy you are. You can't open your eyes without either seeing the room spin or you spinning on the bed you're laying on. You have this cluster of pimple like spots all over your entire body, and they itch like crazy! Not to mention the intense burning they feel like you're on fire, I put my hand close to some without touching them and I can literally feel the heat radiating off of them. But it's a strange feeling feeling so burning hot and so freezing cold at the same time, but the cold's from the fever you get from it.

Burning, itching, freezing cold, high fever, shaking really bad, being nauseous, throwing up all the time, and feeling dizzy is enough to drive anyone crazy isn't it? But then after a few days the itching subsides and then the spots hurt. You can't touch them, when you move they hurt, putting anything on like a blanket or in my case even the hospital gown caused me pain to wear. 

Putting creams and taking medicines to reduce my fever and dizziness and having ice packs to reduce the swelling spots was annoying me. I mean I already take what feels like a millions medicines and not just for this cancer but for the other diseases that I have as well so to have more was just annoying pain. 

I didn't know that the creams turned you white when you put them on. So I looked like a pimply ghost scary to see really. I try my hardest to not look in a mirror since before any of this happened, and now more then ever try avoiding seeing myself in anyway. But one of the nurses took a picture and showed it too me and I freaked out. I'm Mexican so I have medium brown skin color now to see myself as white as the bandages on my head or the walls in this room scared me so much that I cried. I guess I thought I was turning or had turned into some sort of mutation freak or something and I didn't want that. 

So now here I am with completely healed ears and still completely deaf. No tumors in my spine and only one tumor in my brain and still paralyzed. I've still got AML and I've got about 8 others tumors in me way better than the 23 I used to have.Technically it's been 2 weeks that I had the shingles they count the week before you actually feel sick as having it too. I'm still ghostly white and what I didn't know  was that your eyes change color too. Now I'm hoping the red rim around the color of my eyes goes away soon and that my eyes goes back to their weirdly normal color soon. Still here in isolation in this windowless closet like room but at least I'm no longer covered in the shingles. One less thing to worry about sigh...

Worries worries so many things too worry about and it's kind of driving me insane...

Let this Merry Go Round End

I should be relived that my family can no longer get to me. No more boxes of maggots, insulting letters, rude phone calls, and horrible emails. I no longer have to worry (or so they want me to) about them since they've made deals with the bad guys. About what I'm not sure...it makes me feel uneasy just thinking about it and it makes me worry even more. 

To top that off the tumors that I got removed in July are back and the ones that are supposed to be shrinking with the chemo are only growing bigger. So here I am on a merry go ride. Around and around I go in the same situation I thought I just left behind. Around and around and it only seems to be going faster not slower. With the luck that I have it'll only go faster and never stop. 

Oh how I wish this merry go round will end. But when it does what horrors will I find myself in?

Family...

I am trying so hard to not care what they say anymore. They know I've been depressed all of my life they know everything about me. They used to love me...that's what so hard for me they used to love me...so where did all of this hatered come from? Why would they say all of these cruel things to me? Why is it so hard to defend myself against them? Why do I believe everything they tell me every insult they scream at me through the phone, everything they write to me, why do I believe they're right?

Is it wrong of me to still love them, to want to hear their voices, after what they've said, after what they've done to me? Is there something wrong with me?

Life is pretty weird

I've slept away a week of my life. Being depressed and an insomniac you would think I would've loved this sleep but I didn't being medically sleep-induced is no fun to me. I find it odd that days just slip away, when these people are trying to save my life at least make it longer, and they have cut it shorter because all they did  is make me sleep. 

So a week ago I found out this AML has completely metastasized through out my entire body. I felt so bad I felt like dying right then and there. I already saw no point to this, having new tumors constantly appear, having my kidneys die and now being on the donor's list waiting to see if i can get new kidneys soon,having to be cut open just to tell me they can't get them out, having become paralyzed because of them, and having chemo and radiation not do anything or so it seemed to me. Being constantly reminded that I had no physical support system made it even worse for me. I mean sure all I have are 3 people here on EP, but when I can't get on here then I have nothing. Then there was the fact that on the days that I  thought  positively, they became the days when I got worse. 

They gave me a day to "reflect" on things, make a decision of what was going to happen, what I wanted or wished to happen. Option 1 was to let me go home and live the rest of what little life I had left with my family and try to make those days the most memorable possible. Problem was though I don't have a home, seeing as my family kicked me out for having this in the first place, and I don't want to go back there anyway just to endure it all over again. Second problem is the fact that my family hates me so yes maybe they would make my days left memorable, but not in the way they're supposed to. So let's see have nowhere to go, and die homeless didn't really seem like a good option to me. Option 2 do what I'm doing now and just hope the chemo and other meds work, so far that hasn't done anything for me. Option 3 cut me open and get as many of the tumors as they possibly can out and hope new ones don't appear. Now options 2 and 3 were also not looking too good to me, but those were all the options I had. Which one did I go with? Well I went with option 3! 

I must remember that though at first I said that option 3 didn't look good to me, it has helped me at least twice so far. Getting a tumor out of my liver, and one out from my lung, I don't count getting the two out of my kidneys since my kidneys died before that anyway so nothing really good happened there. This time on Thursday July 19 they were able to take out 4 tumors that had grown under my arms, 2 in my rib cage, 3 from my small intestine, 1 from my colon, and the ones behind my knees. That in total is 11 tumors, which is pretty good don't you think? The process took 10 hours though from 8 am-6pm. I woke up about 6:10 but ended up sleeping the rest of the night and most of the day on Friday it was 3 pm when I woke up. But it wasn't a rest day for me, about 30 minutes after I woke up it was time again to get rid of more tumors! This time though was to tackle my head literally. 4 hours and 2 tumors out later, I still have one tumor in my brain, 2 in my spine, 3 in my bones, 2 in my adrenal glands, and 1 in my thyroid they can't get out. Now that's not to say they did try since I had way more, they did take out 1 from my spine,  and 2 from my bones. But I'm getting ahead of myself,  since getting the one out of my spine was on Saturday, and on Sunday was the ones from my bones. 

Remarkable how someone can still be alive with all those tumors inside them isn't it? And to actually survive those surgeries is even more incredible.   

This is the end

This is end
My time to go is now
I'm tired of fighting
Of seeing no point to this
I had no life before this
And will have no life after this either
There's no point in hanging on when all you receive are insults from your family that once loved you and now hate you with all their being.
There's no point I'm invisible to the world outside of here and there's not a damn thing I do that will change that.
Just become swollen with cancer and rot here I should
I give up
I see no point in this anymore
And it's not like anyone outside of here cares anyway.

Isolation sucks

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What is it like to be in love?

Today is my sister's birthday. I wonder what they're doing to celebrate it. It doesn't matter what's going on in the outside world even when it's the way it is. Today is a day of celebration in their eyes it should be considered a national holiday everyone should celebrate it. I believe everyone's birthday should be that way. Of course mine was never meant to be that way in fact they and everyone I know doesn't even remember it. I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am. I crave love and attention. I want to know what that's like to be loved or be in love. I'm not talking about brother or sister love or even family love. Though mine hates me. What is it like to have someone love you? What is it like to have someone who cares about you more than anyone else in the world? What is it like to have someone worth living for when you're fighting for your life? I'm also supposed to have a physical support system since it could be the case as to why I'm getting worse instead of better. The doctor and nurses I think aren't trying to hurt my feelings but when they constantly talk about how all the other patient's family and friends come and visit them even the ones in isolation it makes them get stronger and gives them more of a chance to beat their cancer. That makes me feel worse since I know my family will never come and visit me. I wonder what it's like to have a family that cares...

Up and back down again

So I was starting to feel better again, or I should say better as in having some of my hopes up. I didn’t have all of my hopes up, since I’ve known the hard way that having them up for me at least always makes them come crashing back down and being disappointed, and either becoming majorly depressed or really anxious to the point of having panic attacks, because what I wanted to happen didn’t happen, or everything goes from good to bad in instant.  This time around it’s the same thing everything not exactly going good, but at least above the expectation of what I was expecting and now it’s gone way back down. I am grateful however of not having that annoying ear infection anymore. I still have that UTI which is a pain to have, anyone who’s ever had one knows what I’m talking about. With all these tumors that I have they seem to be growing instead of shrinking, which shouldn’t be the case at all. I had at least 5 more than I do now, so that’s some progress right? Though two of those killed my kidneys, which have no chance of coming backing “alive” again.

I’ve been in isolation here for a month, well technically a month and a day, but who’s counting…I used to but it started driving me crazy so I’ve stopped, the nurses are the ones who tell me how long I’ve been here everyday, like it’s supposed to make me feel better or something. It doesn’t though and even though I try not to think about it this way I can’t help it sometimes and think of this being like an imprisonment, except of counting the days of when I can get out, it’s the opposite. This tiny little closet of a room has made me somewhat claustrophobic, which is weird since I’ve never been claustrophobic before. I think I’d feel a little bit better if I at least had a window in here so I can look out of it, but I don’t even the window in the door is covered which now that I think about it I’m thankful for since I probably look really scary, and terrible. I haven’t looked into a mirror for a long while either, and I’m glad I haven’t since I’d probably scare myself just by looking at myself. So I haven’t seen the sky in a month, though sometimes I wonder if the sun will blind me, when I finally do get to see it again.

I’m considered “medically paralyzed” now since either the tumor in my brain, or the one in my spine have caused me to lose the feeling in my legs, the doctor had to knock me out for a couple of hours since I had a really bad panic attack when I lost the feeling in them, which now that I think about it maybe everyone will react the way that I did, if they suddenly lost the feeling in their legs too. At first I thought of myself as a weak person, for reacting the way that I did. Technically speaking I am weak in the sense of my health not me as a person, or at least I have the illusion of not being weak. I also have personal issues that I’ve been constantly thinking about, which does me no good, since it sends my already low self-esteem even lower, and also my depression kicks back into high gear again too.

So here I am back down again, trying to get myself back to at least where I was before this happened. I really have no hope of actually being “happy” anymore, but somewhat less depressed than I am. I do have to thank the only friends that I have which is sad that it’s only here that I have any, for talking to me, and letting me talk to them, they must be pretty tired of hearing me constantly complain all the time.

Sending love to Jenn, Stoney and Moni


From Suicidal to Now

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Seriously thinking of ending it

I've been in this place for 2 weeks already and nothing seems to be happening in fact everything is getting worse. I don't even the words to explain how I feel, but oh well it's not like anybody cares except for 2 people who rarely get on anymore and I get why. I just want all this end and yes I've heard everyone always say that it's not going to solve anything, it's a permanent thing and it shouldn't be done, or you'll hurt all those who care about you. And to be honest yes it is a permanent solution to all my problems. I have no one that cares anyway the two that do their lives won't even be affected by it since I've never met then anyway. So yes committing suicide is very tempting right now and hopefully this time I won't fail at it.

Depressed

I'm so sad today. I feel useless when I read my cousin's stoires on here and how horrible her life has been and I can't do anything about but just tell her that some day things will get better for her. I am scared for her since it seems she can't find a way to get out of her situation. I'm also guilty for being self-fish about my situation when her's is 100x worse than mine. This will be the first hoilday that I won't be celebrating with my family and I feel sad about that because i think that all the other hoildays will be just like this one....

1-20 of 20 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Vivid Other Present Reality better or worse?, posted October 22nd, 2014
I'm dying, posted September 9th, 2013, 4 comments
Sleepless ranting, posted June 23rd, 2013, 4 comments
1 down and 9 to go, posted March 22nd, 2013, 9 comments
Thoughts in my head, posted December 18th, 2012
Here I am..., posted November 25th, 2012, 4 comments
Starting to see no point to this, posted October 1st, 2012
Confusion, posted September 19th, 2012
Monday and Tuesday were crazy, posted September 6th, 2012
Worries, posted August 26th, 2012
Let this Merry Go Round End, posted August 10th, 2012
Family..., posted July 30th, 2012
Life is pretty weird, posted July 23rd, 2012, 1 comment
This is the end, posted July 11th, 2012
Isolation sucks, posted July 9th, 2012
What is it like to be in love?, posted June 28th, 2012
Up and back down again, posted June 27th, 2012
From Suicidal to Now, posted June 16th, 2012, 1 comment
Seriously thinking of ending it, posted May 9th, 2012
Depressed, posted April 21st, 2011
Feeling like crap, posted April 14th, 2011, 1 comment
Be Back Soon, posted March 30th, 2011, 1 comment
Yesterday vs. Today, posted March 28th, 2011

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